【2017 Archives】

Back in the early '90s017 Archives members of the far Christian right accused the LGBTQ community of having a secret homosexual agenda. At the time, we denied the rumors, calling their entire campaign "conspiracy-mongering."

Today, I'm here to announce that they're right.

Every year, members of the LGBTQ deep state, of which I proudly consider myself a member, convene at an underground crafts store in Provincetown, Massachusetts to draft our gay agenda for the upcoming year. The potluck includes some of the most powerful queer globalists in the world, all of us with vast vegan baked good reserves we're ready to advance our deviant LGBTQ agenda.

SEE ALSO: LGBTI activists are reclaiming Rwanda, one neighborhood at a time

It's time to come clean and admit it that, eek, sorry we didn't mention before, but there is a vast homosexual conspiracy.

Below, selections from our deeply insidious 2018 Gay Agenda for America.

1. We demand that the "queer capitals of America" have at least one lesbian bar that's not, like, a bookstore with no air conditioning

Via Giphy

Neither San Francisco nor Los Angeles have any lesbian bars, and New York's play way too much Journey.

2. In 2018, we ask that the cartoon bus community embrace Miss Frizzle for the lesbian she is

Confirmed: Ms. Frizzle is a lesbian pic.twitter.com/1vL26sOVje

— Kait 💫 (@itzzkait) July 20, 2017

3. We ask that the federal government at least pretend to make healthcare and housing more accessible to LGBTQ communities where it's so disproportionately lacking

Putting LGBTQ people back in the U.S. Census is the best, more boring way to start this process.

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4. And for the DOJ to do something -- preferably many things -- about the epidemic of violence against trans women, particularly trans women of color.

They're starting at zero, so it can only go up from here.

5. We know this is a big one, but if states could donate the spare change from their wallets we could probably stop the LGBTI teen homelessness crisis overnight.

That's the invidious gay agenda for ya. Bone-chilling!

6. VERY IMPORTANT: We want Americans to realize that there are more gay shows than Will and Grace and that it wasn't even *that great* a show

7. Same goes for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Please.

Via Giphy

8. We kindly request those hands on Starbucks cups officially come out as lesbian hands.

Fox News asks if Starbucks holiday cups are pushing a “gay agenda” https://t.co/j65AbGmLpM pic.twitter.com/YAvsLO61rz

— Salon (@Salon) November 24, 2017

The LGBTQ community is severely underrepresented in the seasonal cup community. Added bonus: It makes ding dongs on the religious right incredibly hilariously angry.

9. We demand that the Caitlyn Jenner thinkpieces go far, far away

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Fellow reporters: The next time you're thinking of starting a headline with "Caitlyn Jenner's thoughts on [blank]," just remember -- she has no real thoughts.

10. WE. DEMAND. KITSCHY. QUEER. NATIVITY. SCENES.

All I want for Christmas is this gay as hell nativity scene https://t.co/41ISIQ2GQe pic.twitter.com/mic0jXgcii

— Mashable (@mashable) November 28, 2017

Joseph, Martin, and the baby Jesus.

11. We ask that everyone stop being so incredibly dumb about trans people in bathrooms and way smarter about not peeing on the seat

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

12. More. gay. penguins.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

13. More. gay. people. on. Tinder. who. aren't. just. straight. men. posing. as. lesbians. help.

14. We'd love it if queer couples could hold hands at the World Cup and the only thing they'd have to worry about was clammy palms, not violence.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

We want to be like everyone else -- regular people, weirded out by thumb sweat.

15. And -- we know this is a lot -- we ask that the United States government offer bare minimal labor protections for LGBTQ people who can be fired because of their sexuality.

How is it that this guy has a job but so many of these people don't?

16. In 2018, we kindly request that ladies stop referring to their platonic female friends as their "girlfriends" because it makes us so incredibly confused

Via Giphy

17. Of course the LGBTI community doesn't want everyone to be gay. We are, however, asking that Poe Demoron and Finn become an official couple. Thank you in advance.

18. And if Babadook and Pennywise could please get married because we refuse to believe that love is dead.

#ITMovie #Pennywise #Babadook pic.twitter.com/5evswvmbsZ

— •⎠Gorgeous Jack⎝• (@TVIMES) November 2, 2017

19. And if we can't have any of the above, we kindly ask that we have one day -- even just one hour of 2018 -- where we don't have to fear that the government is about to strip us of all of our rights and throw our country back 100 years because we elected a bigoted empty bag of Doritos for president.

That would be great.

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