【1988 Archives】

CUPERTINO988 Archives CA: The bastard Tim Cook has stabbed me in the back and taken everything from me.

Today, Apple unveiled two new iPhones at their event about iPhones.

The first iPhone is the iPhone 8: an ancient piece of dogshit tech that we will all forget about in one week. The second iPhone is the iPhone X (pronounced "iPhone ten"): a technological marvel that I cannot and will not ever understand -- a device so beautiful that to hold it would be to touch the concept of my own mortality; to come face to face with my maker and, upon meeting His eye, to understand the universe far beyond any degree humanity was ever intended to; to experience, for the first time, what it is to be alive.

Anyway, I am the creator of the iPhone 9, which I guess is cancelled??? What the freaking hell? This is the first I'm hearing about ANY of this.

SEE ALSO: As mayor, it is my honor to announce that our quaint city will be pivoting to video immediately

That's right: for the last three years it has been my sole duty to create the iPhone 9: a phone that was supposed to come after the very bad iPhone 8, and before the wonderful 10. I have worked diligently, and I am proud of my work. I was certain that the iPhone 9, my beautiful baby, would astound the tech world and usher in a new era for the company.

This is the first I'm hearing about ANY of this.

And then today, along with the rest of you, I learned that my precious phone (far superior to the iPhone 8, which is really very bad and stupid) has been leapfrogged by the iPhone X: a divine tool with the miraculous and unknowable ability to scan your face and make the emojis move. Could anybody have mentioned this to me, maybe?

Maybe tell the guy making the 9 that the 10 is coming out today and it's the best phone in the history of phones?

I mean, did everyone at this effing company effing forget that I effing EXIST?? Because I have been paid money to develop a design for the iPhone 9 since the year TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN. And you freaking FREAKS release the 8 andthe 10 on the SAME DAY?

Mashable Light Speed Want more out-of-this world tech, space and science stories? Sign up for Mashable's weekly Light Speed newsletter. By clicking Sign Me Up, you confirm you are 16+ and agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Thanks for signing up!

I am Mad. As. Hell.

And nobody even used ANY of my ideas, by the way.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

That's right: my incredible ideas and innovations, all of which are so much better than the iPhone 8's (a phone designed by dogs, for scoundrels), have been scrapped without a second thought.

Months and months of labor, gone. Years of devotion: thrown into the proverbial toilet. Gone is the large button that calls 911, demolished is my second screen for "big apps" (apps that are bigger), incinerated is my design for little Swiss Army scissors on the top and bottom. These were going to change the way we communicate, to shepherd the tech world into the promised land of good phones.

It was also going to be thick as hell.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

But alas, the iPhone 9 is dead. My life's work, eclipsed by the iPhone X. So be it! Such is life, I suppose.

I am sorry to the Apple fans for what could have been. I am sorry to my family for spending three years in the garage screaming, "I'M MAKING A NEW iPHONE GET THE FUCK OUT" every time they tried to come in.

Mostly, though, I am sorry to the iPhone 9: my smartphone son. I have failed you all.

Enjoy the X, everyone. As for me, I am moving on to the next stage of my life: waiting patiently for death to come.

Please do not buy the iPhone 8, it is stupid and bad.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

---

Featured Video For You

---

Steve Jobs' voice opens the 2017 Apple Event

---

Topics Apple iPhone

• Social Good
• Science
• Shopping
• Entertainment
• Deals
• Games
• Life
• Tech

• Meta says some AGI systems are too risky to release
• Beyoncé's pregnancy photo destroyed an Instagram record because of course it did
• 7 February games you should get excited about
• Student creates enormous 'Simpsons' portrait on his college's wintry lawn
• Best Amazon deal: Save 20% on floral and botanical Lego sets
• Ever Wonder How the Shazam Algorithm Works?
• Beyoncé's big announcement gave an incredible start to Black History Month
• Google's Waymo self
• China just built the world's biggest floating solar project
• GoPro's Karma drone is back on sale after design flaw made them fall out of the sky

• John Jeremiah Sullivan Tonight at The Half King! by The Paris Review
• Sex and Salter by Alexander Chee
• Google Pixel phones might get an exclusive Bard widget
• All 12 Star Wars movies ranked, from 'A New Hope' to 'Rise of Skywalker'
• Dressings by Sadie Stein
• The Sporting Life by Louisa Thomas
• The rumors are true: These are all cakes.
• Breaking Bad by James Franco
• 'Quordle' today: See each 'Quordle' answer and hints for May 5
• Microsoft Bing AI chatbot and Edge browser get massive AI upgrades. See the list.

• Precursors to Today's Technology: These Products Had the Right Vision
• Elon Musk and electric vehicles will win the energy battle against Trump's favorite fuels
• Intellivision: Gone But Not Forgotten
• Oscar the clumsy yet 'mystical' owl is on the loose and everyone's looking for him
• Use Gmail Filters to Automate your Inbox
• Parents, do not let this dumb sign make you feel guilty about using your phone
• New space pics show off the greatest kitten toe beans in all the universe
• Start your engines for this possible RuPaul's Drag Race
• Best GPU deal: GIGABYTE NVIDIA GeForce RTX 5080 is $1,349.99 at Best Buy
• Apple just beat Samsung as the world's top smartphone maker

• The White House might have inflated Trump's golf record, because this is how we live now
• Third grader has no time for your silly homework nonsense
• Prince Harry gets schooled by some young rappers
• Reddit banned r/altright over doxing violations
• Internet for All
• Tokyo will make its 2020 Olympic medals from recycled smartphones
• Need help with your taxes? IBM Watson is here to help
• These machines are testing human drivers’ skills with no mercy
• Apple is advertising on Elon Musk's X again
• Beyoncé's pregnancy photo destroyed an Instagram record because of course it did